why im i the only drunk person in the library?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize