True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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