i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
