Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
