I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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