things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
