I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
