Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
