WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
