I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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