I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
