i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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