wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
