"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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