I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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