Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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