insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
