saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
