sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
