explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize