I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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