This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You are a genius and a whore.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
