Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
