Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
