One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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