So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
