I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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