a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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