can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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