Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
