Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Randomize
