Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
