she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
