Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
