Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize