Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize