well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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