Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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