tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
