Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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