I must be too annoying 4 u.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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