I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
