Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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