I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
