I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize