you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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