I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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