'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
