i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
