Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
