Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
