Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
