quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
