It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My cat gives me a boner
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
