cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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