You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
