you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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