He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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