y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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