I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
