It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
