Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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