haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
