Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
