Just fell off a train. Bad.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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