before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize