nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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