apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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