Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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