so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
