White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
