Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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