If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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